You want to see me burn, I am living fire

5 weeks 5 days

2011-05-17T01:12:00.002-05:00

I feel like its my fault that your not here. I loved you when I found out I was pregnant. I even wanted you so desperately before then. You finally arrived in my life. I was over the moon with joy. All I wanted to do was protect you. I did the best I could with what I had. I was fool when I didn't know you were in me. I didn't mean to drink so much. Now, I wish I had quit when I had better sense to do it. I wish you didn't have to do and end like this. I dont know why your really not here but I have my guesses. I asked God to protect you the day before you died. I guess he did in his own way but it hurts that I had to let you go so fast. You'll always be my Angel baby #1 no matter what. I love you my darling.

Rest forever in God's arms.

Inferno

2010-09-29T15:59:00.003-05:00

I know its wrong.

It feels good I will not stop.

I know somebody; maybe all of us will get hurt, but the drive to accomplish it resides in me.

I am not a bad person.

I am human.

My heart loves and it wishes to be loved.

How can something feel so good knowing that it's wrong?

This love inferno might be the death of us all.

I hope not too soon because I do not want to stop.

diskənˈtent

2010-08-20T20:05:00.004-05:00

I found out a couple of weeks ago that TLW will be going on a four month deployment. I don't know how to feel. Lately I find myself not wanting to talk to him. I'll call him and then hang up in less than 15 minutes. I am preparing myself for the damage he will do on this deployment. I don't expect more from him; he couldn't even remain faithful to me on the regular time lengths. How can four months be any different? Needless to say if he messes up on this time it is over! I'm starting to look into jobs and apartments out of state. I am focusing on losing weight so the ARMY/NAVY would be my next options. I have little faith in him afterall, he did land himself in this situation. Lately, I try to hang up the phone before I hear him say "I love you." It isn't that I don't want to say it back, its just I don't believe that I love him. I try to avoid arguments by not talking as much and apologizing for everything. I don't have a connection with him anymore. I want to tell him things, but I just don't see the need anymore. I realized that I might have married the wrong person. I wish I didn't give him more chances than he deserved. I wish I could've waited to make him prove himself to me. If I really had to let TLW go I'd feel sorry for myself for not letting go when I knew I should have. I see myself having a complete mental breakdown. Im not going to act like it wouldn't offend me, but at the same time I will say: "I didn't expect more from you."

Like my granny said "No use in loving somebody who don't wana be loved."

You will just stay in the dark

2010-07-19T04:31:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking about ways to combat my infertility. I can come up with 10 solutions on my own, but the real job lies within my body. I wonder which ones will work and which ones will not. If they just did a Vegas wedding style IVF I would be ecstatic, but they don't and Im not. I've been reading these infertility blogs and they make me feel worse about myself and how is that when they are supposed to offer comfort? I hope one of my own concoctions work. This whole trying to conceive era paints a vision into my head. Im at home with my face pressed against the window pane and Im staring at a train as it goes speeding by. I do not bother to come out of the house to try to catch it, instead I choose to watch it pass. Anywho, I have been talking to TLW about the reality: "What if we(I) can not have kids?" His words make me feel a little better. Then I say I dont feel comfortable talking about this anymore. TLW say; "Well, you brought it up!" The first thing that pops into my head is "How dare you!" He wants me to open up about infertility how can I when he gives me asshole remarks? Then later on I find out he did not like talking about it either. Im like all you had to say was it makes me feel the same way instead he became an asshole. Im just going to keep talking to my best friend about these issues and keep hubs in the dark.

Have I told you...?

2010-05-31T03:17:00.003-05:00

If you have been reading my blog you will know that I have not posted good news about being married to TLW. I will tell you why I love my husband so much, why I choose to ignore the faults, and marry that bastard O' mine! He motivates me and I look up to him! Since we started going out I have always looked up to him. As soon as I met him I knew he had a fire within. I loved to watch it burn! He puts all his effort into what he is doing. He will not stop until the job is completed. After a few years of dating, he decided that he wanted to become a M A R I N E. I am so proud of him for doing that! When he got out of boot camp he emerged with new morals and intangible vaules. He was still my TLW but more disciplined. I wanted to join as well and I still do; not only to make TLW proud, but to shine as brightly as he does. When I think about going into the military I think about him and how much it has helped TLW accomplish. TLW has excelled tremendously in the short years I have known him. Even though he does not like being in the military because it keeps us apart he is sticking with it. He never comes home and says "Baby, I hate my job ect..." He rolls with the punches. I know, God knows and we all know, that I do not make things easy for him at times. He puts on that suit of armor and goes with it or with out. You may not know him but you must admire a man for his self-enduring strength. He is my best friend and I am damn honored to call him my husband. This is what a spouse is supposed to do. Bring out the best in you and help you strive to achieve what your destined to become.

TLW: If you are reading this I know you have said "Well thats nice but you did not have to..." or "I am happy that you feel this way about me but...". Do me one simple favor NEVER lose that fire. I do not care what happens do not lose that fire. Once you have you have just lost yourself. In your life so far that fire has taken you far. If you continue to feed it, it will take you even further. I love you baby.

Yeah, what do you want from me?

2010-05-25T02:12:00.003-05:00

I am still on those stormy seas with TLW. He says that I do not care about his feelings. I do care! I care a lot. I express to him that I care in my own way(listening, talking, and comforting), but I do not know how to express it in a way to him that shows that I care. I thought thats what caring was always being their to help somebody no matter what the cost to you. I am ...lost! I do not know what else he would like. I offer to stop doing this and that, then he says "No, you do not need to do that." TLW is just so damn confusing sometimes! I wish he could tell me what he really wants from me. I try extremely hard! TLW says "You do not care/you do not understand." If I do not understand I always try to imagine myself in his place then I understand. I offer to buy him presents, but I just get rejected. I send him sweet letters even though we talk on the phone everyday. He thinks my letters are stupid. Its just every attempt that I try to make to show that I care I am shot down. TLW just does not understand how much it hurts me for him to say "You don't care M_!" It kills me every damn time! I am trying to be a good wife. I admit, I am not the same person I was last year. I grew a tough coat after he cheated. I want to get back to how I was last year before all the awful things he did to me. Each time I try I get so scared. I do not want to get hurt. I can honestly say that I am in love with TLW, but falling completely in love with him like I was last year; I do not know if I can ever summon courage that again. I am scared to get that close to him again. I married him because I am in love with him(please keep that in mind)! I am just scared to take a hand that led me into the depths of the darkest coldest hell. He killed the part of me that I gave to him to cherish and protect. Forgiveness comes from with in which means that I would have to forgive myself for believing and trusting him every time he lied to me about him cheating. I REALLY do not know if I can do that.

Its been a rough couple of months

2010-05-10T09:05:00.003-05:00

Needless to say I am back on here again writing because of my skum bag of a husband. These last few couple of months were mentally exhausting! He made the decision to keep us apart for longer. When I try to tell him how I feel he will just go an ignore me. Yesterday I was having panic attacks all day(its been a rough couple of months). I asked him to call his mother for Mother's Day and he told me "no". He said "You know my phone is broken and why can't you do it?" I reply "Because its Mother's Day and she wants to hear from me not you." Then he hangs up on me and does not answer. This of course made my panic attacks worse and from that point turned into rage. I had a mental break down. I have not had a panic attack/rage fit since 2008. I actually had 2 yesterday. The first one not being as bad as the 2nd. The second one ended up ruining my own mom's Mother's Day, which I feel just awful about. The first attack included me trashing my room and breaking a glass painting. The second was after we had talked and he put the whole fit on me, which then again brought my rage out. It scared me that I had them because I have not had one since 2008. I actually had forgotten that I have rage fits. From having those fits I realize that I am not in a position to have kids yet. I know enough during my fits not to hurt a child, but a child being witness to them just makes me feel like a monster. I would like to have children just not right now. I have a lot of marriage problems that I need to work out with TLW. If I even deicide to work them out with him. Divorce is really complicated and I just do not know if I am ready to deal with that yet. He is coming home June 1st. I guess I'll talk with him then. Some days I just hate him with a passion. When he brings me to my fits and does not stop I hate him. It is not that he does not know what buttons to push; it seems like he pushes them to make me get angry! I just have so much resentment towards him right now it makes it hard to love him. I'd really love to kill him or at least wack him a couple of times. This whole marriage has brought out a person in me I did not know I was and that is BAD!

I got married to TLW...

2010-04-11T05:32:00.003-05:00

Things are not going as smoothly as I had hoped. For one he is still up to his "dogging" ways I believe. Yesterday I read an email that I was supposed to send him back in Dec 09. The first thought that poped into my head after reading it was "And you married somebody like that!?." I have a bold and sharp confession I believe that marrying TLW was a mistake. I really do think that he is up to his old tricks again. If I decided to divorce him I would have no case. No EVIDENCE(some but not enough[long story])! He recently discovered IMVU.com. I know that is a 3D web chat but I believe that he is using that to cheat. I also have been thinking the thought "It is just the internet it is not like they will ever meet and as soon as it leaves the cpu, it is cheating." Another thought is "Things like this always start small then escalate." I am really in the middle of this. I wish he did not have to feel like he needs constant attention from girls(I believe that is how he is). More so I wished I waited a little longer to marry him. I married him becuase I love him and he is my best friend but more so, so I would not lose him(is that incorrect?). We even got into a fight on our wedding day about him cheating. He said "I am over that now; I am ready to be with you." I wonder if that was a spur of the moment words or heart felt feelings? The one question I keep asking myself is "I can not believe that I married you." When we first got married I regretted {I never told him} it but it soon faded away (3days later). I would wear my wedding ring with the diamond on the inside of my finger, so it would look like I just had an engagement ring. I still love TLW with all my heart I just wish he would change. I never had the idea "Oh well maybe marriage will change him." Never once did I think that. I trusted him on what he said about changing. Maybe he has changed (doubt it) only time will tell. I do not want to divorce TLW I just want to find out why he is like this.(his grandfather, and father were like this<they also got OTHER women pregnant outside their marriage needless to say that is a HUGE fear within myself to deal with that if it happens>) I am just wondering, DID I MAKE A BIG MISTAKE SHOULD I DIVORCE BEFORE SOMETHING AWFUL HAPPENS?

Paranoid

2009-12-20T21:40:00.003-06:00

Lately TLW has been racking his brain. He thinks that Im cheating on him. He's been hacking into my e-mail accounts. He already has my myspace. I gave that to him because he asked. Lately he's been so paranoid. I dont care because I dont derserve him to flip like this on me. Like Im the one who started to cheat earlyer this year. I do find it quite funny though. What he's done is coming back on his ass before I've even stuck my hand in it yet. I hope he gets more paranoid. He really derserves it, all that shit he put me through this year; its only fair. I love him alot but you can not expect me to pitty him on what he had coming to him. Besides I'll let Karma handle his ass for now. I just find it quite funny. He says that I've been growing distant. Thats such a lie! I've been tired lately. I just got over food poisoning and I have been working out. I have a damn reason to be tired! Just to think this is all because we dont go to sleep at the sametime anymore. He thinks Im out and about romping all over town. You have to find the humor in this because, it does not make sense its so silly! Atleast, I know he cares about me. I still love him but I think that this is very funny and sad at the sametime.

Crossroads

2009-12-06T13:07:00.002-06:00

He's changing again. I think for the best but Im not sure yet. The last time this happned he went back to his old evil ways. Im falling for him again but pushing him away at the sametime. I dont want to be hurt again. I dont want to be a pawn in this game he wants to play. I dont want to give up what we've strived for in 3+ years. Hes done it so much that I dont know what to think now. He's playing his game again or he has changed some. I dont want to acknowledge the truth of him changing because everytime I do, it just turns out to be him dogging me again. I dont know what to do. Im waiting for the tide to turn...

...And so here we are or here I am

2009-09-30T05:10:00.002-05:00

Im scared! Out of my mind. Paranoid would be the correct term. I still dont know how solid this marriage plan to TLW is. Just the other day I was telling him he should apply for leave now and he said "Dont rush me!" "Marie let me do this on my own!" The last time he said that was when he was supposed to look at this inexpensive hotel for me to stay at on base and he did not. Im scared that hes going to do the samething with this. I really want to marry him but he just seems to be lagging. I dont know if its fear or if its just a lie. He said that he wanted to he said that he used to be scared. I guess now he still must be. This is so hard. Sometimes I feel as if Im the only one who wants this. I just feel like crying mostly. It sucks not knowing if you will be a Mrs. or Ms. next year. I tell you what though, I will be over there in Dec married or not. Im not taking NO for an anwser anymore. I'll be there whether he wants me or not leave or no leave. MCDB, will show up on the shores of Okinawa, Japan once again.

The lover and the thief

2009-09-20T00:59:00.005-05:00

I recently found out that TLW was still up to his old tricks. What a jester! Talking to the same girl. Needless to say I contacted her. Found out a bunch of things. Each sentence that I read it felt like I was being stung by wasps. I called him we talked about it. Of course, he was sorry(arent they all) This was awhile ago that he talked to her but never the less it happned. Now, Im lost. Im pregnant[with his seed] I love him so much but I feel like Im being raped, emotionally. Im lost. He told me that he will always need me in his life. She decided to end it becuase of me. She was actually playing him shes engaged and has a toddler. While I was talking about letting him go he got scared. Why is it that the people that love the hardest always end up getting hurt? Nobody ever cares unless someone is hurt even then some dont. Im not hurt but just numb. I believe that I've reached my end or close to it. Hey, I've been with him since I was 15[3yrs & 5mnths]you try to let all that go! I feel like I should weep for a lost dream or smile for new beginning. We are still together now but who knows when he will fall back into her or another womans grasp. He told me"its about having your cake and eating it too/having something good." He doesnt even know when hes going to stop or if he can. I dont understand why if hes doing this why he doesnt want to leave me. I love him to the best of my ability. Just doesnt seem like he does the same. I just want a guy who is 100% down for me. Did you know he even made a myspace and said he did not want kids on it[after he knew]? When I asked him to take full coustdy of our baby he said "I cant do anything with that." How can you yourself make you feel like your ashamed of loving somebody? Still I feel like he's mine my love forever. When I told you I love you I ment always it wont change.(what I told him) Wrong words? No, just because I said that it does not mean that I will keep taking this.

Complications after infidelity: FORGIVENESS

2009-08-20T09:48:00.002-05:00

Yes, today was the day that I completely forgave TLW. After months of bottling up my anger he finally told me today that it had started to drain him. I didnt notice it but I'd been asking him everyday "Would you leave me?" or a question like that. I had no idea that I was doing it everyday! I believed that since it was me who kept this all inside it would never affect him. I was totally wrong. I guess it was doing a number on our relationship right under my nose. Im glad that he spoke up about it before it was to late. Actually I'd been contemplating on doing it for at least 2 weeks. Guess I just needed that extra push as we all do now and again. The reason I didnt do it 2 weeks ago was because I was scared! I thought that immediatly after I forgave him he'd do it again. The future is untold so I've got to wait to see if he will cheat again.

Conversation below shows how it started

Screen Names have been modified!

kisses (10:13:31 AM): would you leave me like for any reason at all
Homeless (10:13:39 AM): OMG!!!!!!!
Homeless (10:14:08 AM): I'm tired of ?'s like that
kisses (10:15:16 AM): sorry didnt mean to piss you off
kisses (10:15:33 AM): i just get scared that someones going to take my place
Homeless (10:16:17 AM): y do you ask me that everyday
Homeless (10:17:10 AM): u just worry and worry and worry. ur draining me
kisses (10:17:42 AM): ...WOW...
kisses (10:18:38 AM): like i didnt know it was like that...i mean if i did i would've stoped along time ago...i dont want to ruin us by being paraniod but i guess that what im doing am i correct

kisses (10:33:49 AM): I love you I honestly do...
kisses (10:35:05 AM): thats all i wanted you to know...that i forgive you again for everything...I love you
Homeless (10:35:42 AM): thank u baby. i love u too

kisses (10:36:50 AM): but i;d rather let all the bad stuff go than to see you leave your my best friend & my lover
Homeless (10:37:27 AM): aww
Homeless (10:37:41 AM): ur mine too

kisses (10:41:35 AM): trent...
Homeless (10:41:48 AM): yes
kisses (10:42:21 AM): im sorry
Homeless (10:42:33 AM): me too
kisses (10:43:42 AM): I forgive you whole heartedly this time
Homeless (10:44:25 AM): ok

***This is only a small portion of the conversation***

Complications after infidelity: Coping with paranoia & shame

2009-08-16T02:41:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I can not help but think that he is still out there cheating up a storm. I guess its only natural for what he put me through. Yes, I was protective before and now it has gotten alot stricter. I even check his bank accounts, myspaces, and possible misstresses myspaces as well. Sometimes I even believe that he has cyber sex with them maybe he even has nude photos of them as well. Sometimes I even get these werid crazy ideas that he's going to marry them, and not me.[Coping]I just let these werid ideas run their course. If I need a friend to talk to(which normally I do because of the anexity attacks that follow this)I call them. They help me calm down and breathe. I do drink sometimes when I cant calm down right away but it is not constant anymore. When I have a question about this or anything else that comes to mind I ask it. I do not heisate anymore. Keeping your questions inside along with the feelings really just messing things up alot more. Tell them how you feel even if they dont want to talk about it anymore. They're catering to your needs and emotions, remember that!

Lets go back to Okinawa.

He took me to his barracks and I was just I felt stupid and embrassed.

I kept saying to myself everybody probably knows what he did and they think Im silly for not knowing or despriate for staying with him.

I met one of his comrads and he saw me and he laughed and put his head down as soon as he saw me. Now, that aroused some deep suspicions with in me. It seemed like everyone who looked at me knew what he did and then turned away to laugh or talk about it. Awful just awful! If we went out and saw military I thought "do they know what he did?" "Do they think that hes playing with me?" It was horrible. I can not even sit here and say when it was just the two of us shopping that I felt safe. I everytime we went out I expected some girl to come up and start yelling and possibly fight me because of who I was with. Basically I didnt know where I was safe at. I even admit before I saw him in the airport I thought that someone would say are you Winfield's fiance? I'd say yes! Then they'd either laugh or tell me a story that I didnt want to hear. Again it was just horrible![Coping]Well when I first found this out I told a wrong friend. You know the big mouth! Yes, well they werent much help anyways. It was mostly on me myself dealing with my severe attacks, my constant drinking, and loss of sleep. Then I found an old friend and I talked to him about it. I delt with the shame by just holding my head up high and knowing that Im a strong person. I rolled with the punches and gave them whats real. Anytime I need a crutch I call my buddy! Their 24/7 ~ 365!

Complications after infidelity: Discussing the matter

2009-08-12T03:43:00.004-05:00

When TLW{fiance} was in the Philippines he cheated 2xs. One after the other or at the sametime. He claimed it was because "he missed me and because he was lonely." The fucked up thing about that is before he left he promised me that he wouldnt do that. He also told me that if I think that hes cheating Im just paranoid. Needless to say I believed him I mean after going out with somebody for 2years isnt it only natural to trust? When he came back I confronted him about the first girl(he openly admitted). So Im like ok lets get back on track. Then another one pops up!! I confronted him about that(he admitted). Then I figured ok well this is no small matter so I decided to risk my life and health(swine flu) and fly to Okinawa. I get there and there he is. Beautiful and charming as ever still I had to remind myself that this was the man who infact cheated 2xs and tried to cover up the 2nd one. The cab ride to the hotel was most interesting. He wanted me to touch him and kiss him. He even tried to hold my hand. Of course I jerked away I even scratched him! He still wouldnt leave me alone until I warned him. Then after 15 more mins of slience we arrived at the beautiful Grand Mer Hotel. In the hotel room[all inhibitons lost] I immedatly pushed him on the bed and gave him a blow job! Then started making out with him the next thing I knew was I was on my back and he was thrusting!! Did I stop him, no! I didn't fly all the way from Virginia to Okinawa for nothing{remember thats not why I decided to come}! So after that we laid in bed together and talked. The next few days were when we started the discussion. Getting him to talk about it was like pulling teeth! He admitted that it was wrong and that he'd never do it again. Im like yeah for right now. Along with talking about this we got into countless fights. After the last time of bringing it up and with the last fight I decided that I had all the information that I needed. Even though he did all this emotional affair bull when I was with him I still felt a connection. Like nothing ever happned. When it came time for me to leave we were devastated. It seemed like being there after that had occured made us stronger. I still loved him like I had before even though he broke my heart into peices, AGAIN! Also I prayed that this didnt blind me from seeing the truth...

Waiting

2009-08-12T01:20:00.002-05:00

I must say I am quite worried about this whole marriage to TLW. Im scared that he wont follow through with what he said. He says that he will fill out the paper work as soon as he comes back to Okinawa but, I seriously doubt that. Men, why must they always put things off? Honestly I doubt that he even wants to marry me. I mean I know he wants to but putting his plan into motion I dont think so. He more so likes the idea I guess. I want to make sure that he's going to do the paper work but I dont want to annoy or worry him. I guess you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink. Im excited to see what he's going to do.