...And so here we are or here I am

Im scared! Out of my mind. Paranoid would be the correct term. I still dont know how solid this marriage plan to TLW is. Just the other day I was telling him he should apply for leave now and he said "Dont rush me!" "Marie let me do this on my own!" The last time he said that was when he was supposed to look at this inexpensive hotel for me to stay at on base and he did not. Im scared that hes going to do the samething with this. I really want to marry him but he just seems to be lagging. I dont know if its fear or if its just a lie. He said that he wanted to he said that he used to be scared. I guess now he still must be. This is so hard. Sometimes I feel as if Im the only one who wants this. I just feel like crying mostly. It sucks not knowing if you will be a Mrs. or Ms. next year. I tell you what though, I will be over there in Dec married or not. Im not taking NO for an anwser anymore. I'll be there whether he wants me or not leave or no leave. MCDB, will show up on the shores of Okinawa, Japan once again.

The lover and the thief

I recently found out that TLW was still up to his old tricks. What a jester! Talking to the same girl. Needless to say I contacted her. Found out a bunch of things. Each sentence that I read it felt like I was being stung by wasps. I called him we talked about it. Of course, he was sorry(arent they all) This was awhile ago that he talked to her but never the less it happned. Now, Im lost. Im pregnant[with his seed] I love him so much but I feel like Im being raped, emotionally. Im lost. He told me that he will always need me in his life. She decided to end it becuase of me. She was actually playing him shes engaged and has a toddler. While I was talking about letting him go he got scared. Why is it that the people that love the hardest always end up getting hurt? Nobody ever cares unless someone is hurt even then some dont. Im not hurt but just numb. I believe that I've reached my end or close to it. Hey, I've been with him since I was 15[3yrs & 5mnths]you try to let all that go! I feel like I should weep for a lost dream or smile for new beginning. We are still together now but who knows when he will fall back into her or another womans grasp. He told me"its about having your cake and eating it too/having something good." He doesnt even know when hes going to stop or if he can. I dont understand why if hes doing this why he doesnt want to leave me. I love him to the best of my ability. Just doesnt seem like he does the same. I just want a guy who is 100% down for me. Did you know he even made a myspace and said he did not want kids on it[after he knew]? When I asked him to take full coustdy of our baby he said "I cant do anything with that." How can you yourself make you feel like your ashamed of loving somebody? Still I feel like he's mine my love forever. When I told you I love you I ment always it wont change.(what I told him) Wrong words? No, just because I said that it does not mean that I will keep taking this.