Paranoid

Lately TLW has been racking his brain. He thinks that Im cheating on him. He's been hacking into my e-mail accounts. He already has my myspace. I gave that to him because he asked. Lately he's been so paranoid. I dont care because I dont derserve him to flip like this on me. Like Im the one who started to cheat earlyer this year. I do find it quite funny though. What he's done is coming back on his ass before I've even stuck my hand in it yet. I hope he gets more paranoid. He really derserves it, all that shit he put me through this year; its only fair. I love him alot but you can not expect me to pitty him on what he had coming to him. Besides I'll let Karma handle his ass for now. I just find it quite funny. He says that I've been growing distant. Thats such a lie! I've been tired lately. I just got over food poisoning and I have been working out. I have a damn reason to be tired! Just to think this is all because we dont go to sleep at the sametime anymore. He thinks Im out and about romping all over town. You have to find the humor in this because, it does not make sense its so silly! Atleast, I know he cares about me. I still love him but I think that this is very funny and sad at the sametime.

Crossroads

He's changing again. I think for the best but Im not sure yet. The last time this happned he went back to his old evil ways. Im falling for him again but pushing him away at the sametime. I dont want to be hurt again. I dont want to be a pawn in this game he wants to play. I dont want to give up what we've strived for in 3+ years. Hes done it so much that I dont know what to think now. He's playing his game again or he has changed some. I dont want to acknowledge the truth of him changing because everytime I do, it just turns out to be him dogging me again. I dont know what to do. Im waiting for the tide to turn...

...And so here we are or here I am

Im scared! Out of my mind. Paranoid would be the correct term. I still dont know how solid this marriage plan to TLW is. Just the other day I was telling him he should apply for leave now and he said "Dont rush me!" "Marie let me do this on my own!" The last time he said that was when he was supposed to look at this inexpensive hotel for me to stay at on base and he did not. Im scared that hes going to do the samething with this. I really want to marry him but he just seems to be lagging. I dont know if its fear or if its just a lie. He said that he wanted to he said that he used to be scared. I guess now he still must be. This is so hard. Sometimes I feel as if Im the only one who wants this. I just feel like crying mostly. It sucks not knowing if you will be a Mrs. or Ms. next year. I tell you what though, I will be over there in Dec married or not. Im not taking NO for an anwser anymore. I'll be there whether he wants me or not leave or no leave. MCDB, will show up on the shores of Okinawa, Japan once again.

The lover and the thief

I recently found out that TLW was still up to his old tricks. What a jester! Talking to the same girl. Needless to say I contacted her. Found out a bunch of things. Each sentence that I read it felt like I was being stung by wasps. I called him we talked about it. Of course, he was sorry(arent they all) This was awhile ago that he talked to her but never the less it happned. Now, Im lost. Im pregnant[with his seed] I love him so much but I feel like Im being raped, emotionally. Im lost. He told me that he will always need me in his life. She decided to end it becuase of me. She was actually playing him shes engaged and has a toddler. While I was talking about letting him go he got scared. Why is it that the people that love the hardest always end up getting hurt? Nobody ever cares unless someone is hurt even then some dont. Im not hurt but just numb. I believe that I've reached my end or close to it. Hey, I've been with him since I was 15[3yrs & 5mnths]you try to let all that go! I feel like I should weep for a lost dream or smile for new beginning. We are still together now but who knows when he will fall back into her or another womans grasp. He told me"its about having your cake and eating it too/having something good." He doesnt even know when hes going to stop or if he can. I dont understand why if hes doing this why he doesnt want to leave me. I love him to the best of my ability. Just doesnt seem like he does the same. I just want a guy who is 100% down for me. Did you know he even made a myspace and said he did not want kids on it[after he knew]? When I asked him to take full coustdy of our baby he said "I cant do anything with that." How can you yourself make you feel like your ashamed of loving somebody? Still I feel like he's mine my love forever. When I told you I love you I ment always it wont change.(what I told him) Wrong words? No, just because I said that it does not mean that I will keep taking this.

Complications after infidelity: FORGIVENESS

Yes, today was the day that I completely forgave TLW. After months of bottling up my anger he finally told me today that it had started to drain him. I didnt notice it but I'd been asking him everyday "Would you leave me?" or a question like that. I had no idea that I was doing it everyday! I believed that since it was me who kept this all inside it would never affect him. I was totally wrong. I guess it was doing a number on our relationship right under my nose. Im glad that he spoke up about it before it was to late. Actually I'd been contemplating on doing it for at least 2 weeks. Guess I just needed that extra push as we all do now and again. The reason I didnt do it 2 weeks ago was because I was scared! I thought that immediatly after I forgave him he'd do it again. The future is untold so I've got to wait to see if he will cheat again.

Conversation below shows how it started

Screen Names have been modified!

kisses (10:13:31 AM): would you leave me like for any reason at all
Homeless (10:13:39 AM): OMG!!!!!!!
Homeless (10:14:08 AM): I'm tired of ?'s like that
kisses (10:15:16 AM): sorry didnt mean to piss you off
kisses (10:15:33 AM): i just get scared that someones going to take my place
Homeless (10:16:17 AM): y do you ask me that everyday
Homeless (10:17:10 AM): u just worry and worry and worry. ur draining me
kisses (10:17:42 AM): ...WOW...
kisses (10:18:38 AM): like i didnt know it was like that...i mean if i did i would've stoped along time ago...i dont want to ruin us by being paraniod but i guess that what im doing am i correct

kisses (10:33:49 AM): I love you I honestly do...
kisses (10:35:05 AM): thats all i wanted you to know...that i forgive you again for everything...I love you
Homeless (10:35:42 AM): thank u baby. i love u too

kisses (10:36:50 AM): but i;d rather let all the bad stuff go than to see you leave your my best friend & my lover
Homeless (10:37:27 AM): aww
Homeless (10:37:41 AM): ur mine too

kisses (10:41:35 AM): trent...
Homeless (10:41:48 AM): yes
kisses (10:42:21 AM): im sorry
Homeless (10:42:33 AM): me too
kisses (10:43:42 AM): I forgive you whole heartedly this time
Homeless (10:44:25 AM): ok

***This is only a small portion of the conversation***

Complications after infidelity: Coping with paranoia & shame

Sometimes I can not help but think that he is still out there cheating up a storm. I guess its only natural for what he put me through. Yes, I was protective before and now it has gotten alot stricter. I even check his bank accounts, myspaces, and possible misstresses myspaces as well. Sometimes I even believe that he has cyber sex with them maybe he even has nude photos of them as well. Sometimes I even get these werid crazy ideas that he's going to marry them, and not me.[Coping]I just let these werid ideas run their course. If I need a friend to talk to(which normally I do because of the anexity attacks that follow this)I call them. They help me calm down and breathe. I do drink sometimes when I cant calm down right away but it is not constant anymore. When I have a question about this or anything else that comes to mind I ask it. I do not heisate anymore. Keeping your questions inside along with the feelings really just messing things up alot more. Tell them how you feel even if they dont want to talk about it anymore. They're catering to your needs and emotions, remember that!

Lets go back to Okinawa.

He took me to his barracks and I was just I felt stupid and embrassed.

I kept saying to myself everybody probably knows what he did and they think Im silly for not knowing or despriate for staying with him.

I met one of his comrads and he saw me and he laughed and put his head down as soon as he saw me. Now, that aroused some deep suspicions with in me. It seemed like everyone who looked at me knew what he did and then turned away to laugh or talk about it. Awful just awful! If we went out and saw military I thought "do they know what he did?" "Do they think that hes playing with me?" It was horrible. I can not even sit here and say when it was just the two of us shopping that I felt safe. I everytime we went out I expected some girl to come up and start yelling and possibly fight me because of who I was with. Basically I didnt know where I was safe at. I even admit before I saw him in the airport I thought that someone would say are you Winfield's fiance? I'd say yes! Then they'd either laugh or tell me a story that I didnt want to hear. Again it was just horrible![Coping]Well when I first found this out I told a wrong friend. You know the big mouth! Yes, well they werent much help anyways. It was mostly on me myself dealing with my severe attacks, my constant drinking, and loss of sleep. Then I found an old friend and I talked to him about it. I delt with the shame by just holding my head up high and knowing that Im a strong person. I rolled with the punches and gave them whats real. Anytime I need a crutch I call my buddy! Their 24/7 ~ 365!

Complications after infidelity: Discussing the matter

When TLW{fiance} was in the Philippines he cheated 2xs. One after the other or at the sametime. He claimed it was because "he missed me and because he was lonely." The fucked up thing about that is before he left he promised me that he wouldnt do that. He also told me that if I think that hes cheating Im just paranoid. Needless to say I believed him I mean after going out with somebody for 2years isnt it only natural to trust? When he came back I confronted him about the first girl(he openly admitted). So Im like ok lets get back on track. Then another one pops up!! I confronted him about that(he admitted). Then I figured ok well this is no small matter so I decided to risk my life and health(swine flu) and fly to Okinawa. I get there and there he is. Beautiful and charming as ever still I had to remind myself that this was the man who infact cheated 2xs and tried to cover up the 2nd one. The cab ride to the hotel was most interesting. He wanted me to touch him and kiss him. He even tried to hold my hand. Of course I jerked away I even scratched him! He still wouldnt leave me alone until I warned him. Then after 15 more mins of slience we arrived at the beautiful Grand Mer Hotel. In the hotel room[all inhibitons lost] I immedatly pushed him on the bed and gave him a blow job! Then started making out with him the next thing I knew was I was on my back and he was thrusting!! Did I stop him, no! I didn't fly all the way from Virginia to Okinawa for nothing{remember thats not why I decided to come}! So after that we laid in bed together and talked. The next few days were when we started the discussion. Getting him to talk about it was like pulling teeth! He admitted that it was wrong and that he'd never do it again. Im like yeah for right now. Along with talking about this we got into countless fights. After the last time of bringing it up and with the last fight I decided that I had all the information that I needed. Even though he did all this emotional affair bull when I was with him I still felt a connection. Like nothing ever happned. When it came time for me to leave we were devastated. It seemed like being there after that had occured made us stronger. I still loved him like I had before even though he broke my heart into peices, AGAIN! Also I prayed that this didnt blind me from seeing the truth...

Waiting

I must say I am quite worried about this whole marriage to TLW. Im scared that he wont follow through with what he said. He says that he will fill out the paper work as soon as he comes back to Okinawa but, I seriously doubt that. Men, why must they always put things off? Honestly I doubt that he even wants to marry me. I mean I know he wants to but putting his plan into motion I dont think so. He more so likes the idea I guess. I want to make sure that he's going to do the paper work but I dont want to annoy or worry him. I guess you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink. Im excited to see what he's going to do.