Inferno

I know its wrong.

It feels good I will not stop.

I know somebody; maybe all of us will get hurt, but the drive to accomplish it resides in me.

I am not a bad person.

I am human.

My heart loves and it wishes to be loved.

How can something feel so good knowing that it's wrong?

This love inferno might be the death of us all.

I hope not too soon because I do not want to stop.

diskənˈtent

I found out a couple of weeks ago that TLW will be going on a four month deployment. I don't know how to feel. Lately I find myself not wanting to talk to him. I'll call him and then hang up in less than 15 minutes. I am preparing myself for the damage he will do on this deployment. I don't expect more from him; he couldn't even remain faithful to me on the regular time lengths. How can four months be any different? Needless to say if he messes up on this time it is over! I'm starting to look into jobs and apartments out of state. I am focusing on losing weight so the ARMY/NAVY would be my next options. I have little faith in him afterall, he did land himself in this situation. Lately, I try to hang up the phone before I hear him say "I love you." It isn't that I don't want to say it back, its just I don't believe that I love him. I try to avoid arguments by not talking as much and apologizing for everything. I don't have a connection with him anymore. I want to tell him things, but I just don't see the need anymore. I realized that I might have married the wrong person. I wish I didn't give him more chances than he deserved. I wish I could've waited to make him prove himself to me. If I really had to let TLW go I'd feel sorry for myself for not letting go when I knew I should have. I see myself having a complete mental breakdown. Im not going to act like it wouldn't offend me, but at the same time I will say: "I didn't expect more from you."

Like my granny said "No use in loving somebody who don't wana be loved."

You will just stay in the dark

I have been thinking about ways to combat my infertility. I can come up with 10 solutions on my own, but the real job lies within my body. I wonder which ones will work and which ones will not. If they just did a Vegas wedding style IVF I would be ecstatic, but they don't and Im not. I've been reading these infertility blogs and they make me feel worse about myself and how is that when they are supposed to offer comfort? I hope one of my own concoctions work. This whole trying to conceive era paints a vision into my head. Im at home with my face pressed against the window pane and Im staring at a train as it goes speeding by. I do not bother to come out of the house to try to catch it, instead I choose to watch it pass. Anywho, I have been talking to TLW about the reality: "What if we(I) can not have kids?" His words make me feel a little better. Then I say I dont feel comfortable talking about this anymore. TLW say; "Well, you brought it up!" The first thing that pops into my head is "How dare you!" He wants me to open up about infertility how can I when he gives me asshole remarks? Then later on I find out he did not like talking about it either. Im like all you had to say was it makes me feel the same way instead he became an asshole. Im just going to keep talking to my best friend about these issues and keep hubs in the dark.

Have I told you...?

If you have been reading my blog you will know that I have not posted good news about being married to TLW. I will tell you why I love my husband so much, why I choose to ignore the faults, and marry that bastard O' mine! He motivates me and I look up to him! Since we started going out I have always looked up to him. As soon as I met him I knew he had a fire within. I loved to watch it burn! He puts all his effort into what he is doing. He will not stop until the job is completed. After a few years of dating, he decided that he wanted to become a M A R I N E. I am so proud of him for doing that! When he got out of boot camp he emerged with new morals and intangible vaules. He was still my TLW but more disciplined. I wanted to join as well and I still do; not only to make TLW proud, but to shine as brightly as he does. When I think about going into the military I think about him and how much it has helped TLW accomplish. TLW has excelled tremendously in the short years I have known him. Even though he does not like being in the military because it keeps us apart he is sticking with it. He never comes home and says "Baby, I hate my job ect..." He rolls with the punches. I know, God knows and we all know, that I do not make things easy for him at times. He puts on that suit of armor and goes with it or with out. You may not know him but you must admire a man for his self-enduring strength. He is my best friend and I am damn honored to call him my husband. This is what a spouse is supposed to do. Bring out the best in you and help you strive to achieve what your destined to become.

TLW: If you are reading this I know you have said "Well thats nice but you did not have to..." or "I am happy that you feel this way about me but...". Do me one simple favor NEVER lose that fire. I do not care what happens do not lose that fire. Once you have you have just lost yourself. In your life so far that fire has taken you far. If you continue to feed it, it will take you even further. I love you baby.

Yeah, what do you want from me?

I am still on those stormy seas with TLW. He says that I do not care about his feelings. I do care! I care a lot. I express to him that I care in my own way(listening, talking, and comforting), but I do not know how to express it in a way to him that shows that I care. I thought thats what caring was always being their to help somebody no matter what the cost to you. I am ...lost! I do not know what else he would like. I offer to stop doing this and that, then he says "No, you do not need to do that." TLW is just so damn confusing sometimes! I wish he could tell me what he really wants from me. I try extremely hard! TLW says "You do not care/you do not understand." If I do not understand I always try to imagine myself in his place then I understand. I offer to buy him presents, but I just get rejected. I send him sweet letters even though we talk on the phone everyday. He thinks my letters are stupid. Its just every attempt that I try to make to show that I care I am shot down. TLW just does not understand how much it hurts me for him to say "You don't care M_!" It kills me every damn time! I am trying to be a good wife. I admit, I am not the same person I was last year. I grew a tough coat after he cheated. I want to get back to how I was last year before all the awful things he did to me. Each time I try I get so scared. I do not want to get hurt. I can honestly say that I am in love with TLW, but falling completely in love with him like I was last year; I do not know if I can ever summon courage that again. I am scared to get that close to him again. I married him because I am in love with him(please keep that in mind)! I am just scared to take a hand that led me into the depths of the darkest coldest hell. He killed the part of me that I gave to him to cherish and protect. Forgiveness comes from with in which means that I would have to forgive myself for believing and trusting him every time he lied to me about him cheating. I REALLY do not know if I can do that.

Its been a rough couple of months

Needless to say I am back on here again writing because of my skum bag of a husband. These last few couple of months were mentally exhausting! He made the decision to keep us apart for longer. When I try to tell him how I feel he will just go an ignore me. Yesterday I was having panic attacks all day(its been a rough couple of months). I asked him to call his mother for Mother's Day and he told me "no". He said "You know my phone is broken and why can't you do it?" I reply "Because its Mother's Day and she wants to hear from me not you." Then he hangs up on me and does not answer. This of course made my panic attacks worse and from that point turned into rage. I had a mental break down. I have not had a panic attack/rage fit since 2008. I actually had 2 yesterday. The first one not being as bad as the 2nd. The second one ended up ruining my own mom's Mother's Day, which I feel just awful about. The first attack included me trashing my room and breaking a glass painting. The second was after we had talked and he put the whole fit on me, which then again brought my rage out. It scared me that I had them because I have not had one since 2008. I actually had forgotten that I have rage fits. From having those fits I realize that I am not in a position to have kids yet. I know enough during my fits not to hurt a child, but a child being witness to them just makes me feel like a monster. I would like to have children just not right now. I have a lot of marriage problems that I need to work out with TLW. If I even deicide to work them out with him. Divorce is really complicated and I just do not know if I am ready to deal with that yet. He is coming home June 1st. I guess I'll talk with him then. Some days I just hate him with a passion. When he brings me to my fits and does not stop I hate him. It is not that he does not know what buttons to push; it seems like he pushes them to make me get angry! I just have so much resentment towards him right now it makes it hard to love him. I'd really love to kill him or at least wack him a couple of times. This whole marriage has brought out a person in me I did not know I was and that is BAD!

I got married to TLW...

Things are not going as smoothly as I had hoped. For one he is still up to his "dogging" ways I believe. Yesterday I read an email that I was supposed to send him back in Dec 09. The first thought that poped into my head after reading it was "And you married somebody like that!?." I have a bold and sharp confession I believe that marrying TLW was a mistake. I really do think that he is up to his old tricks again. If I decided to divorce him I would have no case. No EVIDENCE(some but not enough[long story])! He recently discovered IMVU.com. I know that is a 3D web chat but I believe that he is using that to cheat. I also have been thinking the thought "It is just the internet it is not like they will ever meet and as soon as it leaves the cpu, it is cheating." Another thought is "Things like this always start small then escalate." I am really in the middle of this. I wish he did not have to feel like he needs constant attention from girls(I believe that is how he is). More so I wished I waited a little longer to marry him. I married him becuase I love him and he is my best friend but more so, so I would not lose him(is that incorrect?). We even got into a fight on our wedding day about him cheating. He said "I am over that now; I am ready to be with you." I wonder if that was a spur of the moment words or heart felt feelings? The one question I keep asking myself is "I can not believe that I married you." When we first got married I regretted {I never told him} it but it soon faded away (3days later). I would wear my wedding ring with the diamond on the inside of my finger, so it would look like I just had an engagement ring. I still love TLW with all my heart I just wish he would change. I never had the idea "Oh well maybe marriage will change him." Never once did I think that. I trusted him on what he said about changing. Maybe he has changed (doubt it) only time will tell. I do not want to divorce TLW I just want to find out why he is like this.(his grandfather, and father were like this<they also got OTHER women pregnant outside their marriage needless to say that is a HUGE fear within myself to deal with that if it happens>) I am just wondering, DID I MAKE A BIG MISTAKE SHOULD I DIVORCE BEFORE SOMETHING AWFUL HAPPENS?