Complications after infidelity: FORGIVENESS

Yes, today was the day that I completely forgave TLW. After months of bottling up my anger he finally told me today that it had started to drain him. I didnt notice it but I'd been asking him everyday "Would you leave me?" or a question like that. I had no idea that I was doing it everyday! I believed that since it was me who kept this all inside it would never affect him. I was totally wrong. I guess it was doing a number on our relationship right under my nose. Im glad that he spoke up about it before it was to late. Actually I'd been contemplating on doing it for at least 2 weeks. Guess I just needed that extra push as we all do now and again. The reason I didnt do it 2 weeks ago was because I was scared! I thought that immediatly after I forgave him he'd do it again. The future is untold so I've got to wait to see if he will cheat again.

Conversation below shows how it started

Screen Names have been modified!

kisses (10:13:31 AM): would you leave me like for any reason at all
Homeless (10:13:39 AM): OMG!!!!!!!
Homeless (10:14:08 AM): I'm tired of ?'s like that
kisses (10:15:16 AM): sorry didnt mean to piss you off
kisses (10:15:33 AM): i just get scared that someones going to take my place
Homeless (10:16:17 AM): y do you ask me that everyday
Homeless (10:17:10 AM): u just worry and worry and worry. ur draining me
kisses (10:17:42 AM): ...WOW...
kisses (10:18:38 AM): like i didnt know it was like that...i mean if i did i would've stoped along time ago...i dont want to ruin us by being paraniod but i guess that what im doing am i correct

kisses (10:33:49 AM): I love you I honestly do...
kisses (10:35:05 AM): thats all i wanted you to know...that i forgive you again for everything...I love you
Homeless (10:35:42 AM): thank u baby. i love u too

kisses (10:36:50 AM): but i;d rather let all the bad stuff go than to see you leave your my best friend & my lover
Homeless (10:37:27 AM): aww
Homeless (10:37:41 AM): ur mine too

kisses (10:41:35 AM): trent...
Homeless (10:41:48 AM): yes
kisses (10:42:21 AM): im sorry
Homeless (10:42:33 AM): me too
kisses (10:43:42 AM): I forgive you whole heartedly this time
Homeless (10:44:25 AM): ok

***This is only a small portion of the conversation***

Complications after infidelity: Coping with paranoia & shame

Sometimes I can not help but think that he is still out there cheating up a storm. I guess its only natural for what he put me through. Yes, I was protective before and now it has gotten alot stricter. I even check his bank accounts, myspaces, and possible misstresses myspaces as well. Sometimes I even believe that he has cyber sex with them maybe he even has nude photos of them as well. Sometimes I even get these werid crazy ideas that he's going to marry them, and not me.[Coping]I just let these werid ideas run their course. If I need a friend to talk to(which normally I do because of the anexity attacks that follow this)I call them. They help me calm down and breathe. I do drink sometimes when I cant calm down right away but it is not constant anymore. When I have a question about this or anything else that comes to mind I ask it. I do not heisate anymore. Keeping your questions inside along with the feelings really just messing things up alot more. Tell them how you feel even if they dont want to talk about it anymore. They're catering to your needs and emotions, remember that!

Lets go back to Okinawa.

He took me to his barracks and I was just I felt stupid and embrassed.

I kept saying to myself everybody probably knows what he did and they think Im silly for not knowing or despriate for staying with him.

I met one of his comrads and he saw me and he laughed and put his head down as soon as he saw me. Now, that aroused some deep suspicions with in me. It seemed like everyone who looked at me knew what he did and then turned away to laugh or talk about it. Awful just awful! If we went out and saw military I thought "do they know what he did?" "Do they think that hes playing with me?" It was horrible. I can not even sit here and say when it was just the two of us shopping that I felt safe. I everytime we went out I expected some girl to come up and start yelling and possibly fight me because of who I was with. Basically I didnt know where I was safe at. I even admit before I saw him in the airport I thought that someone would say are you Winfield's fiance? I'd say yes! Then they'd either laugh or tell me a story that I didnt want to hear. Again it was just horrible![Coping]Well when I first found this out I told a wrong friend. You know the big mouth! Yes, well they werent much help anyways. It was mostly on me myself dealing with my severe attacks, my constant drinking, and loss of sleep. Then I found an old friend and I talked to him about it. I delt with the shame by just holding my head up high and knowing that Im a strong person. I rolled with the punches and gave them whats real. Anytime I need a crutch I call my buddy! Their 24/7 ~ 365!

Complications after infidelity: Discussing the matter

When TLW{fiance} was in the Philippines he cheated 2xs. One after the other or at the sametime. He claimed it was because "he missed me and because he was lonely." The fucked up thing about that is before he left he promised me that he wouldnt do that. He also told me that if I think that hes cheating Im just paranoid. Needless to say I believed him I mean after going out with somebody for 2years isnt it only natural to trust? When he came back I confronted him about the first girl(he openly admitted). So Im like ok lets get back on track. Then another one pops up!! I confronted him about that(he admitted). Then I figured ok well this is no small matter so I decided to risk my life and health(swine flu) and fly to Okinawa. I get there and there he is. Beautiful and charming as ever still I had to remind myself that this was the man who infact cheated 2xs and tried to cover up the 2nd one. The cab ride to the hotel was most interesting. He wanted me to touch him and kiss him. He even tried to hold my hand. Of course I jerked away I even scratched him! He still wouldnt leave me alone until I warned him. Then after 15 more mins of slience we arrived at the beautiful Grand Mer Hotel. In the hotel room[all inhibitons lost] I immedatly pushed him on the bed and gave him a blow job! Then started making out with him the next thing I knew was I was on my back and he was thrusting!! Did I stop him, no! I didn't fly all the way from Virginia to Okinawa for nothing{remember thats not why I decided to come}! So after that we laid in bed together and talked. The next few days were when we started the discussion. Getting him to talk about it was like pulling teeth! He admitted that it was wrong and that he'd never do it again. Im like yeah for right now. Along with talking about this we got into countless fights. After the last time of bringing it up and with the last fight I decided that I had all the information that I needed. Even though he did all this emotional affair bull when I was with him I still felt a connection. Like nothing ever happned. When it came time for me to leave we were devastated. It seemed like being there after that had occured made us stronger. I still loved him like I had before even though he broke my heart into peices, AGAIN! Also I prayed that this didnt blind me from seeing the truth...

Waiting

I must say I am quite worried about this whole marriage to TLW. Im scared that he wont follow through with what he said. He says that he will fill out the paper work as soon as he comes back to Okinawa but, I seriously doubt that. Men, why must they always put things off? Honestly I doubt that he even wants to marry me. I mean I know he wants to but putting his plan into motion I dont think so. He more so likes the idea I guess. I want to make sure that he's going to do the paper work but I dont want to annoy or worry him. I guess you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink. Im excited to see what he's going to do.