Complications after infidelity: Coping with paranoia & shame

Sometimes I can not help but think that he is still out there cheating up a storm. I guess its only natural for what he put me through. Yes, I was protective before and now it has gotten alot stricter. I even check his bank accounts, myspaces, and possible misstresses myspaces as well. Sometimes I even believe that he has cyber sex with them maybe he even has nude photos of them as well. Sometimes I even get these werid crazy ideas that he's going to marry them, and not me.[Coping]I just let these werid ideas run their course. If I need a friend to talk to(which normally I do because of the anexity attacks that follow this)I call them. They help me calm down and breathe. I do drink sometimes when I cant calm down right away but it is not constant anymore. When I have a question about this or anything else that comes to mind I ask it. I do not heisate anymore. Keeping your questions inside along with the feelings really just messing things up alot more. Tell them how you feel even if they dont want to talk about it anymore. They're catering to your needs and emotions, remember that!

Lets go back to Okinawa.

He took me to his barracks and I was just I felt stupid and embrassed.

I kept saying to myself everybody probably knows what he did and they think Im silly for not knowing or despriate for staying with him.

I met one of his comrads and he saw me and he laughed and put his head down as soon as he saw me. Now, that aroused some deep suspicions with in me. It seemed like everyone who looked at me knew what he did and then turned away to laugh or talk about it. Awful just awful! If we went out and saw military I thought "do they know what he did?" "Do they think that hes playing with me?" It was horrible. I can not even sit here and say when it was just the two of us shopping that I felt safe. I everytime we went out I expected some girl to come up and start yelling and possibly fight me because of who I was with. Basically I didnt know where I was safe at. I even admit before I saw him in the airport I thought that someone would say are you Winfield's fiance? I'd say yes! Then they'd either laugh or tell me a story that I didnt want to hear. Again it was just horrible![Coping]Well when I first found this out I told a wrong friend. You know the big mouth! Yes, well they werent much help anyways. It was mostly on me myself dealing with my severe attacks, my constant drinking, and loss of sleep. Then I found an old friend and I talked to him about it. I delt with the shame by just holding my head up high and knowing that Im a strong person. I rolled with the punches and gave them whats real. Anytime I need a crutch I call my buddy! Their 24/7 ~ 365!