Its been a rough couple of months

Needless to say I am back on here again writing because of my skum bag of a husband. These last few couple of months were mentally exhausting! He made the decision to keep us apart for longer. When I try to tell him how I feel he will just go an ignore me. Yesterday I was having panic attacks all day(its been a rough couple of months). I asked him to call his mother for Mother's Day and he told me "no". He said "You know my phone is broken and why can't you do it?" I reply "Because its Mother's Day and she wants to hear from me not you." Then he hangs up on me and does not answer. This of course made my panic attacks worse and from that point turned into rage. I had a mental break down. I have not had a panic attack/rage fit since 2008. I actually had 2 yesterday. The first one not being as bad as the 2nd. The second one ended up ruining my own mom's Mother's Day, which I feel just awful about. The first attack included me trashing my room and breaking a glass painting. The second was after we had talked and he put the whole fit on me, which then again brought my rage out. It scared me that I had them because I have not had one since 2008. I actually had forgotten that I have rage fits. From having those fits I realize that I am not in a position to have kids yet. I know enough during my fits not to hurt a child, but a child being witness to them just makes me feel like a monster. I would like to have children just not right now. I have a lot of marriage problems that I need to work out with TLW. If I even deicide to work them out with him. Divorce is really complicated and I just do not know if I am ready to deal with that yet. He is coming home June 1st. I guess I'll talk with him then. Some days I just hate him with a passion. When he brings me to my fits and does not stop I hate him. It is not that he does not know what buttons to push; it seems like he pushes them to make me get angry! I just have so much resentment towards him right now it makes it hard to love him. I'd really love to kill him or at least wack him a couple of times. This whole marriage has brought out a person in me I did not know I was and that is BAD!