...And so here we are or here I am

Im scared! Out of my mind. Paranoid would be the correct term. I still dont know how solid this marriage plan to TLW is. Just the other day I was telling him he should apply for leave now and he said "Dont rush me!" "Marie let me do this on my own!" The last time he said that was when he was supposed to look at this inexpensive hotel for me to stay at on base and he did not. Im scared that hes going to do the samething with this. I really want to marry him but he just seems to be lagging. I dont know if its fear or if its just a lie. He said that he wanted to he said that he used to be scared. I guess now he still must be. This is so hard. Sometimes I feel as if Im the only one who wants this. I just feel like crying mostly. It sucks not knowing if you will be a Mrs. or Ms. next year. I tell you what though, I will be over there in Dec married or not. Im not taking NO for an anwser anymore. I'll be there whether he wants me or not leave or no leave. MCDB, will show up on the shores of Okinawa, Japan once again.